


A different type of 'I love you'

by indecisivemess



Category: Original Work
Genre: Asexual Character, Crying, Emotions, Fluff, Happy Ending, Lots of Research, Online Relationship, Queerplatonic Relationships, SO MUCH FLUFF, Trans Male Character, and confusion, it's a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-02
Updated: 2019-05-02
Packaged: 2020-02-16 06:34:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18686080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/indecisivemess/pseuds/indecisivemess
Summary: They had been going around in circles for weeks now. And neither could hide their true emotions for much longer. Ironically, the most anxious of the duo was the one to take that first step forward.





	A different type of 'I love you'

**Author's Note:**

  * For [booperlovesdooper](https://archiveofourown.org/users/booperlovesdooper/gifts).



> I apologize if the structure is kind of a mess, but I have been buzzing with the need to write about this for way too long and i needed to write it down. Also this actually happened and I thought it would be kinda fun to describe how much of a mess i was feeling during the rolercoaster, so here x3

It was around 2 a.m. , on one of Jessie’s last days of spring break. She had taken the bestest nap during the afternoon, and as a consequence of that, now she didn’t feel tired at all. Not that she regretted it; naps were always awesome. Specially if she could stay up for longer, talking with Eli. Rather, roleplaying with Eli. Nothing sexual like that might suggest, it had actually turned into something pretty fluffy.

Jessie turned around in her bed, checking her open bedroom door for the millionth time to make sure her mother wouldn’t catch her texting at such a time, and settled on her back, her phone held over her face. Her friend was taking a bit longer to reply than she hoped, but she preferred to not duel on that. She had hurt him too many times that week for pointless things; replying one minute later shouldn’t be the reason she added to that pain. Jessie sighed and switched apps, letting google load on one of the fanficts she had been meaning to catch up on, but eventually failed to. It wasn’t necessarily a bad story, she had just forgotten about it. And she needed to keep her thoughts at bay, so why not.

Meanwhile, across the ocean, Eli was freaking out. No, scratch that. He was not nervous, he was not anxious. What could possibly even go wrong if he brought up that topic? Jessie was the most thoughtful and accepting person he knew. She didn’t care for his sexuality while he switched labels, trying to find one that fit; she didn’t care when he revolved around in circles in his own head, trying to figure out what he was. Heck, she had even helped! She wasn’t the best at explaining things, but she did know a lot. You could see she had done her fair share of research. So she must know about this “thing”, right? Yea, most likely. Probably. And she did keep reassuring him to talk to her about these types of things, so they could both learn more. So it should be okay, right?

“No”, the voice at the back of his head slidered. “Your intentions are not pure. You’ll be lying to her when- if you bring that up. You don’t want to lie to her again, do you?”

Eli whimpered and took a deep breath. It was not lying. He was just, covering up part of the truth! Which he would bring up later. If things went well. What’s the worst that could happen, right? She wouldn’t be mad… would she? For something so small- but it was always a possibility. She could get uncomfortable, she could get offended. What if she saw through him? What if she found out? They would stop talking, he would lose her for good-

The short man took a deep breath and stared at his phone, the last line of their rp popping up. It seemed like it was mocking him, all these confessions between these characters. You can do it when you’re faking it, but not when it’s serious? C’mon, grow some real balls.

He flopped on the bed, and pulled the nearest plushie close to his chest, calming down slightly as Lavender’s soft fur brushed against his cheek. He couldn’t delay this any longer, it was driving him insane.

 

\- Just type it out, you can do it. Be cool, be cool- he mumbled quietly to himself, his thumbs pressing over the letters carefully as he wrote the text.

 

Jessie, on the other hand, was starting to drown in her own thoughts, the bad kind, as the fanfic did little to nothing to ease her anxiety. So when Eli’s message came through, and the smallest smile appeared on her face, she knew it would be okay. Until it wasn’t.

 

>i've been looking into queer platonic relationships because info is never bad and I realized… qprs sounds alot like our friendship

 

“Oh god, please no”, Jessie backed away in alarm, her hands already starting to sweat from panic. “Please don’t go there, don’t make me think about that”. She could feel something sinking inside of her, dropping all the way down to her stomach, and she forced a breath in, using all of her strength to not chew on her already chewed bottom lip. Her emotions clashed and burned in her chest and it was as if the dim light she always kept turned on to scare away her nightmares had become weaker, letting the shadowns get to her.

Something felt really off, somehow, but no matter how many times she read the text, she couldn’t figure it out. Eli was just stating something he had noticed, and that was okay. They both promised to make an effort to communicate, and he was doing that. She should be proud. So why was she panicking? After sorting her thoughts the best he could, she quickly fired him a response, absently hearing her nails clicking loudly, too loudly, against her screen.

 

>Oh yea, I had thought about that. But like, that’s an aromantic thing. Im not saying its bad it has some common ground! Im just saying that its still different in some ways.”

 

After the message went through, she could feel her veins going ice cold with anticipation. She could have phrased that better; it totally looked like she didn’t want to be compared to that sort of situation. Which was kind of what was happening and not, at the same time.

Oh, the irony, that somehow their roleplay was bleeding into real life. Just now, Jessie had been controlling a character that had decided to push all of her emotions aside because they confused her, so she preferred to not think about them, instead of putting in the work to understand them. How had she not seen she was talking about herself? The brunette didn’t know when, but somewhere along the line, her feelings changed. It was like your typical love triangle, when two characters got together and the third one abruptly realized he had feelings for one of them. Except, it wasn’t like that. Well, not exactly. She didn’t, she couldn’t explain it, but this felt so different. She loved Eli, she know she did, and she meant it every time she typed it out but… it just felt different now! It wasn’t necessarily romantic, but it seemed to jump over what should be the limit of platonic. She had spent many late nights thinking about it, and the fuzzy knots of emotions just wouldn’t untangle, no matter how hard she tried. This, whatever it was, didn’t feel like romantic love. She had been in love, both with the added baggage of sexual attraction for the other person and lack thereof, and this didn’t feel like neither of those scenarios.

But this also didn’t feel like friendship! Jessie wanted so bad to hug Eli, to hold him, to cuddle with him and feel his hair and kiss his cheek and hold his hand- hold his hand of all things! That, it wasn’t normal! But did she want to kiss him on the lips? Probably not. And the tests she had tried to come up with had stopped right there when sex popped up in her head. That was never an option and she felt disgusting for letting her brain even form that word.

But now it was all crashing down. Eli knew about her doubts somehow. He had seen through her bad flirting and her too caring nature. He had finally sensed something was wrong and this was all going down to hell. Suddenly, he replied.

 

>i know and that’s why I’ve never mentioned it. cause like. we have all the building blocks for a romantic relationship but we don’t see each other like that. idk. and I didn’t wanna erase you cause you’re not aro. i've just been meaning to bring it up

 

Jessie read through the text, forcing herself to take it in, and the further down she went, the more confused she got. Her friend was definitely acting weird, that was a fact she couldn’t shake off now. But this didn’t look right. Didn’t he just say he was looking it up? So why did it imply now that he had been thinking about this for longer than just today? In her best attempts at wording phrases like she had never in her life, she typed her answer carefully, making sure her point was passed on correctly:

 

>Okay, let me break this down because my brains isn’t working and I don’t wanna hurt you. I can definitely see your point, I thought about that before, and you can always talk to me about these kinds of things, because you can never know too much about this type of thing. But how would bringing it up erase me?? Qpr doesn’t have to be between two aros for all I know, But I might be wrong

 

That came out much better than she had imagined. She had reassured him somehow, and had passed her point across, along with her own sincere doubts. This time, instead of dwelling on the “what if’s”, she decided to do herself some more research. It seemed like Eli wasn’t going to talk more unless she set up the ground for him to do so, but that was okay. Most of their conversations were like that, but she hoped she was helping somehow. She had made him feel bad about his autism too many times to be proud of.

While looking for some more practical links, she found a very catchy one, all excitedly announcing “Queer Platonic Relationship: 25 Signs You May Be in One Already!”. The woman clicked on it without thinking twice. In the middle of scrolling through some pointless introduction, and finally managing to get to “sign” number one, she got a notification.

 

>you’re not wrong!! i’ve seen a lot of people who are in a romantic/sexual relationships with one person and qprs with another. but like you said, its usually an aro thing

 

Jessie nodded to herself, noticing how she now was a bit calmer. Her curiosity and thirst for knowledge finally had pulled her in, and her emotions had toned down. She almost had forgot about her sudden spike in anxiety as she absorbed all the information she could. Just a more couple of questions and she would understand everything, she would have her answers.

 

>My question is, two alloromantic people could be in a qpr? Cuz I thought not??

 

For just a second, her feelings got the upper hand again. She had been too forward. She was implying she wanted to be in a relationship like that, when she wasn’t even sure about that. What would that even feel like? She was hurriedly going back to the silly site about the 25 signs when Eli’s reply came through, a simple and firm “yes”. She could almost hear him say it, see him saying it. With a determined look on his face and a confident posture. He would take a step forward when she didn’t reply right away, when she started fidgeting with her hands, gently taking one of them to stop her- Jessie quickly shook her head, that was enough of that. She could feel her face boiling at the weird scene she had imagined. She took a moment to collect herself, grabbing at her pajama top right over her heart, and finally noticing how fast it was beating, like she had run a marathon. What the heck was happening?!

Reply, she needed to reply!

 

>Oh! Okay, I didn’t know that. But like, I hope im not explaining this wrong, because I keep see why you brought it up, but people in a qpr kinda make a commitment, lets say, to be in a relationship that is neither romantic nor totally platonic, its like an in between, no?

 

She didn’t have any time to think, as Eli replied right away, the app letting her know he was still typing even after that:

 

>yea, it’s inbetween.

 

As Jessie hyper focused on what he might send next, Eli was torn. This was going too well and not, at the same time. This wasn’t supposed to be a class about terms and stuff, he was supposed to be honest and confess! About what he had in his head for weeks, not- not the other type. Honesty wasn’t hard, Jessie did it most of the time. He owned her at least that. So without any more stalling, he poured his heart out into the text he had been typing, not even reading through it to not regret sending it:

 

>and I just… i do see you so, so important to me, we’ve kept contact for more than a year, and its been so amazing. it’s as close to romantic as I can get without it being romantic. but I don’t know if we’re life partners, like qpr seems to imply for a lot of people or just close friends…

 

As soon as the text sent, he couldn’t even distinguish what was relief and what was nervousness anymore, in the way they tangled together in the best and the worst way. His eyes were glued to his phone, his hands gripping it tight as he tried to not forget to breathe as he waited for his friend to stop typing.  On the other hand, Jessie was ecstatic. That’s exactly how she felt! That were her doubts and fears, word by word.  She could feel the knot in her chest slowly coming loose, as she moved her fingers over the keypad, not having time to think nor to make sense. She just wanted to feel, to let out and show all of her emotions in the purest form she could.

 

>Yea, my thoughts exactly! I feel exactly the same. I thought we were just really good friends. But like, for example, we have opened up about a lot of stuff to each other. I take care of you when you’re in kitten space, and you do the same for me when im in little space. And that’s something both of us wouldn’t do lightly. We’d suggest it to someone we really care about, and that we hope to keep talking to. I even had a whole breakdown once at the thought of stopping talking to you. So maybe we are in a qpr and we didn’t even notice??

 

Jessie’s chest felt warm, impossibly warm, and electric with energy. She was as sincere as she could, even though that last sentence was a leap of faith. She didn’t want to pressure Eli into anything, but she needed to know, she needed his side of the story. Which came not too long after, accidentally pulled forward by Jessie’s own clear explanation. Without realizing, she had laid out all the evidence the man needed to connect the dots together, and unexpectedly, everything made sense.

 

>… oh my god we’re almost as oblivious as lesbians

>are… are we qpps?

 

She giggled quietly from excitement, forgetting everything about the early hours of the morning or possibly waking her mother, just living for this one moment.

 

>I don’t know, maybe?? Do you want to be qpps?

 

>…kinda?? yes?? i do but idk if you’re 100% comfortable and i wanna make sure you are

 

The smile on her face was so wide her cheeks hurt and the emotions tumbling against each other freely in her chest were making her giddy in the best way. She could even see her own fingers trembling from enthusiasm under the weak light of her phone.

 

>I am! Surprisingly. I want to. I want it so bad. I had no idea I did, but im literally shaking from excitement right now so that’s a yes?

 

>….!!!!

>hi qpp!!

 

Jessie quickly grabbed over her heart and nuzzled her face into her pillow, containing the urge to scream. Not only was this actually happening somehow, but Eli was being a cutie on top of it! The tears burned in her eyes and she couldn’t brush them off no matter how many times she tried, so she just let the fall, big and round as they rolled down her cheeks.

 

>Hi! Im crying so hard. Why am I so happy! We are so oblivious, im

 

>aaaaaaa we’re oblivious jdjfjsjdjksk ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

 

>Pff ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

>Thank you for bringing it up! If you hadn’t I wouldn’t x3

 

>x3 it took me like three weeks to bring it up hhh

 

>Wait what?! 3 weeks? You’ve been thinking about it this whole time??

 

>yes!! that’s why ive been so stressed!! i was trying to figure it out and i just hid it behind finals jdjajdjs

 

The woman stared in disbelief at her screen, holding onto her forehead. How had she not noticed it? She seriously took his word for it and accepted it was just the finals that were making him so anxious. There didn’t seem to be any other reason and she didn’t want to push him, but now she couldn’t even feel mad about that. The tears kept streaming down her face, but they had calmed down a little. She was so overwhelmed with happiness that her logical brain had shut down completely.

She only felt now. Such a strong love, that made her heart ache in the most beautiful, comforting way. It was like all her worries and bad thoughts had melted away, only for her to exist, right there, to be with him. It didn’t matter if this all fell apart in the end- if it did. It just felt so right, that she couldn’t help but hold on, to reach out and hold him close until the world ended.

 

 

 


End file.
